Programming for Relationships

This is a short little article my mom sent me that our family therapist wrote. I really like her because she lets you talk, then she clarifies the problem/issue, and then she gives you manageable action steps to help improve it. It isn't just listening and asking how we feel, she really helps you feel like you can change the situation and your reaction. Anyway, I like that she doesn't just feel like a bogus money hole where you go to vent. She writes these little articles from time to time and my mom forwards them along to me.

Programming for Relationships
Carol Henry

In fact, it's so short, I'll just repost it here for you to read:

Our first experience with love comes from our parents, and this interaction becomes the pattern for future romantic relationships.  Children assume that their parents love them, so it's only logical that they come to see the way their parents treat them as loving behavior, even when that behavior is painful. 

As a result, the child of an abusive parent will often marry an abusive spouse; someone who grew up with a constantly-criticizing parent is programmed to marry an unpleasable spouse; and the child of an adoring, indulgent parent will seek out and find an adoring spouse. 

Even though romance is a different kind of love, we unconsciously assume that our mates or or lovers will want from us the same behavior that pleased our parents. 

If your parent liked docile, obedient children, you'll probably find yourself acting that way, trying hard to "please" your lover, even if you're decisive and assertive in your career.   

If your parents liked you best when you made good grades or excelled in sports, you may assume your spouse's love is contingent on your achievements.  

If you had a stormy relationship with one of your parents, full of fighting and making up, you may be uncomfortable with a calm relationship, mistaking harmony for lack of interest.

Love
Recent research sheds light on how childhood relationships with parents can affect adult romantic relationships. In one study: 

• People who felt their parents had been especially loving, responsive and warm, were found to be securely attached as adults, having long-lasting, happy and trusting love relationships.
• Those who felt generally positive about their parents, but whose feelings changed as they aged, becoming harsher and more negative with time, were considered avoidant. They felt uneasy with closeness.
• People who had mixed feelings about their parents were found to be anxious adults who worried about loved ones leaving them. 

 I found this really interesting. I haven't yet taken the time to really think through my relationships with my parents in this way and compare it to my romantic relationships, but I can definitely see how it is probably accurate. I have compared the boys I have dated to my two, quite different, dads, and can see parallels in their personalities, but I never really thought of it in terms of our relationship and their treatment of me. I'm curious to see what I find when I think about it and analyze it. Maybe it will help me make better, more conscious decisions about who I should and shouldn't date.